Author: Nope

So renting a car is a strange thing if you think about it. but the worst part about it is when a new Safety feature tries to kill you. so all you devs out there working on things for cars ask yourself… will this feature behave in a way that might surprise the fuck out of the driver and yank the wheel out of there hand and try to send the cat off in to the nether realm because a stripe stopped or if it will randomly turn itself on or off because it was confused and also sending you off in to oblivion. I want my good car back…

So it is strange to come back to a place that you once called home. Especially when that place does not changes very fast. You see things that you didn’t see before, things that bother you now but didn’t before. And like the physical space the people that occupy that space seem to be caught in the same non changing space. And I wonder if it is really that the people have not changed or if I have changed and that now that I am looking into the fish bowl that I can see the place for what it really is not not for what I thought it once was. The place and the people are still special to me, but something has most definitely changed, And some things have not. I think the trick it figuring out if it is the place or yourself that has changed.

It is one of the hardest things to do,  to sit in the next room and hear you partner argue with there other partner over something. Especially when ot it arguing over going out and spending time together. This has put a dark cloud over a really good night. I wish I could fix it, but I know I can’t. This sucks!

When you are desperate to find someone to blame.

Then that person can do nothing to please you.

Because you have already made up your mind.

-anonymous-

Well, I think I knew this was going to happen, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. We have Grown Apart and we have filled our lives with others to the point that there was no room for either one of us. I know you still love me and I still love you too. And people say that that should make it hurt less but it doesn’t. If anything it hurts worse. We have both tried so hard, and put so much effort into trying to make this work. But it didn’t. The way you looked at me today so sad, when you said you realized that more of this was your fault and you had thought. It broke my heart and it should have made me feel a little less hurt. But it didn’t. I really hope we can still be friends but I don’t know if we can. We don’t know what being friends is all we have ever done is be lovers.

All I want to do right now is self destruct. all the booze all the drugs, all the nameless people. anything to make the hurt be less, but it won’t

We agreed that we were both unhappy for a while, and that should have made all of this hurt less, but it didn’t. Because this hurt is worse than the unhappy that I had been feeling towards you. I know logically that this is the best thing for us, and that should make all of this hurt less, but it doesn’t.

I really hope everything works out in the end, and you are happy, and I am happy with how things turn out. I will just keep telling myself that this is the best thing for everyone, And I really hope it is. I hope the things aren’t awkward when we’re at the same events, and when you see me there it will look like everything is okay, but it isn’t.  I hope that this hurt will heal , and not into resentment  and hatred. There will be so many things that just won’t be the same. Things that we had planned to do together that I will still do. I will just do them alone.

I don’t want to lose you but this hurt I feel tells me I have.

Maybe one day in the future things will change. But for now there is just the hurt of losing you.

Good bye…

I will miss you…

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1. I dreamt of you. For the first time in a long time. Maybe because you’ve been re introduced to my feelings again. I could feel what our love use to be like. Not the kind we shared when our skin was pressed together. But more when we would sip something on ice and I would dream of growing old together. The kind of love that controlled my thoughts entirely. Where words inside of whispers were strong enough to make waves. This kind of love was so strong that you could be anywhere and feel it. You could be laying on a floor together and no matter where that floor was located or how dirty it may be. You didn’t see the floor. Or the surrounding walls. All you could see was that person. That person that could make a dirty floor feel romantic, and that’s all I ever needed. It shook me awake and could still taste you on my lips. I felt some sort of sense of peace. But my mind still wonders.