So renting a car is a strange thing if you think about it. but the worst part about it is when a new Safety feature tries to kill you. so all you devs out there working on things for cars ask yourself… will this feature behave in a way that might surprise the fuck out of the driver and yank the wheel out of there hand and try to send the cat off in to the nether realm because a stripe stopped or if it will randomly turn itself on or off because it was confused and also sending you off in to oblivion. I want my good car back…
So it is strange to come back to a place that you once called home. Especially when that place does not changes very fast. You see things that you didn’t see before, things that bother you now but didn’t before. And like the physical space the people that occupy that space seem to be caught in the same non changing space. And I wonder if it is really that the people have not changed or if I have changed and that now that I am looking into the fish bowl that I can see the place for what it really is not not for what I thought it once was. The place and the people are still special to me, but something has most definitely changed, And some things have not. I think the trick it figuring out if it is the place or yourself that has changed.
I know i have not spoken for a long time, but i have been in a hole, a deep dark hole that i am trying to claw out. i think i am getting out. even if it is very slow. but that is enough about that. this is about the fun that is going to start! and really if you have found this than you have started already! and you have found the first message. and decrypted it! Good job!!!!!!! so now you will just have to hang out and see where it goes.
PS don’t worry this is not a Marketing ploy for some stupid movie of game. so have fun and welcome to the rocket mice!
It is one of the hardest things to do, to sit in the next room and hear you partner argue with there other partner over something. Especially when ot it arguing over going out and spending time together. This has put a dark cloud over a really good night. I wish I could fix it, but I know I can’t. This sucks!
When you are desperate to find someone to blame.
Then that person can do nothing to please you.
Because you have already made up your mind.
Well, I think I knew this was going to happen, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. We have Grown Apart and we have filled our lives with others to the point that there was no room for either one of us. I know you still love me and I still love you too. And people say that that should make it hurt less but it doesn’t. If anything it hurts worse. We have both tried so hard, and put so much effort into trying to make this work. But it didn’t. The way you looked at me today so sad, when you said you realized that more of this was your fault and you had thought. It broke my heart and it should have made me feel a little less hurt. But it didn’t. I really hope we can still be friends but I don’t know if we can. We don’t know what being friends is all we have ever done is be lovers.
All I want to do right now is self destruct. all the booze all the drugs, all the nameless people. anything to make the hurt be less, but it won’t
We agreed that we were both unhappy for a while, and that should have made all of this hurt less, but it didn’t. Because this hurt is worse than the unhappy that I had been feeling towards you. I know logically that this is the best thing for us, and that should make all of this hurt less, but it doesn’t.
I really hope everything works out in the end, and you are happy, and I am happy with how things turn out. I will just keep telling myself that this is the best thing for everyone, And I really hope it is. I hope the things aren’t awkward when we’re at the same events, and when you see me there it will look like everything is okay, but it isn’t. I hope that this hurt will heal , and not into resentment and hatred. There will be so many things that just won’t be the same. Things that we had planned to do together that I will still do. I will just do them alone.
I don’t want to lose you but this hurt I feel tells me I have.
Maybe one day in the future things will change. But for now there is just the hurt of losing you.
I will miss you…
The holidays can be rough as an adult. the whimsy is not there anymore. The magic is gone. but what I have seen this year is that you have to make your own magic. find your new chosen family. this year was still rough but not as bad as last year. and I hope that next will be better than this. all will be magic again!
- I dreamt of you. For the first time in a long time. Maybe because you’ve been re introduced to my feelings again. I could feel what our love use to be like. Not the kind we shared when our skin was pressed together. But more when we would sip something on ice and I would dream of growing old together. The kind of love that controlled my thoughts entirely. Where words inside of whispers were strong enough to make waves. This kind of love was so strong that you could be anywhere and feel it. You could be laying on a floor together and no matter where that floor was located or how dirty it may be. You didn’t see the floor. Or the surrounding walls. All you could see was that person. That person that could make a dirty floor feel romantic, and that’s all I ever needed. It shook me awake and could still taste you on my lips. I felt some sort of sense of peace. But my mind still wonders.
I just want to leave. Bye. Thanks for 1 good year and fuck you for the last 4. No, I don’t want to waste my time, energy, gas, or miles on my car in order to work on your stupid list that results in absolutely nothing but a deficit to my sanity. You told me 4 weeks, and I did that because it’s not time yet to give you my notice. But now you increase that demand by 50%, which at this point is altogether unreasonable even were I intending to stick around till the company’s last breath.
I’m sick of the the bravado, the exaggeration you’ve expressed since day 1. Even after growing out of my naivete based on your empty promises, I soldiered through the bullshit with hope that you weren’t downright lying to me, that the company would show some fucking flexibility, that I might one day gain some income stability. Too bad I’ve known for a while now that all the potential awaiting me that you sold me on dried up years before I even started working for you.
You don’t know it yet, because I’ve been considerate and postponing my notice till after the most stressful time of the year. And what are you doing? By increasing some new and arbitrary stat of accountability (that I fucking satisfied already without complaint to you) I will be strained beyond what I’m capable of, let alone willing to perform. It’s taking all my resolve to do this the right way- waiting, providing ample time to replace me (however unlikely you’ll be able to con someone new).
I should be doing everything but what you’ve asked. I have legitimately better things to devote my attention to, things that will actually provide return on my energy investment, that would be fulfilling and actually take me further on the path to success in 2 months than I’ve gotten from your shithole in 5 years. I’ve made the decision to move on, but you are adding fuel to a smoldering bridge.
I. Am. So. Fucking. Done.
When is it too much?
When should you stop being there for others when it is a detriment to yourself?
I love these people tho, they were there for me when I needed it. So I will be there for them for as long as they need. I will sacrifice some of me to help them.
I hope all will be well. I hope all will be better, and I know it will be. It will just take time.