The holidays can be rough as an adult. the whimsy is not there anymore. The magic is gone. but what I have seen this year is that you have to make your own magic. find your new chosen family. this year was still rough but not as bad as last year. and I hope that next will be better than this. all will be magic again!
- I dreamt of you. For the first time in a long time. Maybe because you’ve been re introduced to my feelings again. I could feel what our love use to be like. Not the kind we shared when our skin was pressed together. But more when we would sip something on ice and I would dream of growing old together. The kind of love that controlled my thoughts entirely. Where words inside of whispers were strong enough to make waves. This kind of love was so strong that you could be anywhere and feel it. You could be laying on a floor together and no matter where that floor was located or how dirty it may be. You didn’t see the floor. Or the surrounding walls. All you could see was that person. That person that could make a dirty floor feel romantic, and that’s all I ever needed. It shook me awake and could still taste you on my lips. I felt some sort of sense of peace. But my mind still wonders.
I just want to leave. Bye. Thanks for 1 good year and fuck you for the last 4. No, I don’t want to waste my time, energy, gas, or miles on my car in order to work on your stupid list that results in absolutely nothing but a deficit to my sanity. You told me 4 weeks, and I did that because it’s not time yet to give you my notice. But now you increase that demand by 50%, which at this point is altogether unreasonable even were I intending to stick around till the company’s last breath.
I’m sick of the the bravado, the exaggeration you’ve expressed since day 1. Even after growing out of my naivete based on your empty promises, I soldiered through the bullshit with hope that you weren’t downright lying to me, that the company would show some fucking flexibility, that I might one day gain some income stability. Too bad I’ve known for a while now that all the potential awaiting me that you sold me on dried up years before I even started working for you.
You don’t know it yet, because I’ve been considerate and postponing my notice till after the most stressful time of the year. And what are you doing? By increasing some new and arbitrary stat of accountability (that I fucking satisfied already without complaint to you) I will be strained beyond what I’m capable of, let alone willing to perform. It’s taking all my resolve to do this the right way- waiting, providing ample time to replace me (however unlikely you’ll be able to con someone new).
I should be doing everything but what you’ve asked. I have legitimately better things to devote my attention to, things that will actually provide return on my energy investment, that would be fulfilling and actually take me further on the path to success in 2 months than I’ve gotten from your shithole in 5 years. I’ve made the decision to move on, but you are adding fuel to a smoldering bridge.
I. Am. So. Fucking. Done.
When is it too much?
When should you stop being there for others when it is a detriment to yourself?
I love these people tho, they were there for me when I needed it. So I will be there for them for as long as they need. I will sacrifice some of me to help them.
I hope all will be well. I hope all will be better, and I know it will be. It will just take time.
I sneak into your room, sometimes
and rest inside your sheets
I visit with the moon, sometimes
we watch you, when you sleep
I say “i’ll see you soon,” sometimes
but I always have to leave
I like to watch you bloom, sometimes
in the daylight left by eve
I have this sense of doom, sometimes
but your comfort’s all I need.
So what is this Love thing? I know that it is a bunch of chemicals bouncing around in my head. I know that it can be simulated by an injection or by drugs. I know all of this and yes I don’t care. I am so in love! but here is the hard part… what happens when the love changes? what is some one to do when the love that you had is not the love you have now? it is such a strange place to stand there is still the love but it is not the same. I hope that it will all be ok come tomorrow, but we will see.
You chance encounter on this chilly night. You Muse, you intelligent beautiful creature! where did you come from? The Great deep dished north where one star is not good enough so you have 4. Where did your amazing conversation of space and time and cyberpunk musings and consent and kink manifest itself from. You’re same Catholic guilt. You’re same East Coast bluntness. Your giggle and your ox-blood. What will tomorrow bring? What did yesterday hold? You have been right there and yet neither of us have seen each other… until now. I am glad to have shared the evening with you. I hope to share more!
Good night! And Sleep tight.
When everything goes fucking wrong.
When I’m typing from Notepad because a paying subscription to Office is bullshit, and I parked at a bakery that for some insane reason doesn’t have wifi and burns their coffee.
When the only reason I have to camp out and kill time is because somebody acting like a cunt has removed my and another’s agency in an ongoing situation.
After I’ve been told I can’t open an account with a new bank I would prefer to do business with over my old one; first, because of a legally lesser status to someone I no longer have anything to do with and second, because a mailing address I’ve used my entire life isn’t good enough even though I live in an apartment that doesn’t receive mail and which I don’t plan to be living in much longer anyway.
Then sucking it up to deposit check at current shitty bank, hoping they let me have some cash.
Because oh yeah, my place of work has been so hard up for funds that I’ve been the recipient of PAPER checks for over a year.
When I’ve spent all day on pointless, tedious, and soul draining tasks to zero goddamn avail for a class B company still puts me in constant danger by its very nature. (Not horrible: I did not fear my car would be totaled by an uninsured nimrod today.)
During which I received intentionally humorous but actually abhorrent facebook comments from my boss, poking at the festering sores caused by the poor arrangement I’ve been suffering with for too long.
When I don’t give a flying fuck for a 1/10 of the rat’s ass that make up the majority of my clients, and even less so for attempting base communication with more.
When the cumulative stress of the past two weeks of inner-office and client flakiness, passive aggression, moronic ineffectuality, and disregard for timely execution of materials that have to go through many channels before probably not meeting deadline.
After I’ve just realized that for the second time in my life, I can objectively define an organization as “nepitism plus me”.
When the financial support to my entire living situation is up in the air, hovering darkly dying, or dead and doesn’t know it yet.
When I’d fucking love to retain what little sanity I have left, but it’s got a half life of every hour I’m stuck…
There is nothing like waking up in the middle of the night. It is the worst! sound asleep and than BAM like a bomb in your head exploding, screaming! telling you something is wrong. I lay there trying to figure out what it is, and there is nothing. just the silence of my room. the darkness of the night. I wonder what profound thing was wondering through my head that could have jolted me from my slumber. was it a lost love reciprocating there lament? was it the answer to the meaning of life? or was it the last dyeing breath of someone I will never meet, crying out? I do not know. I want to know. I yearn to know. I sit up and check the time. and I realize that the thing that jolted me awake was the buzzer on the dryer telling me the load I put in was done.
I will fold it in the morning I tell myself as I lay back down pull the covers up around my neck and try to find sleep again.
There are times I feel like I am just the only person in this world. I wonder if there is ever anyone that feels the same as they wake up in the morning. I know this too will pass as the day goes on. but some times it is hard as the sun comes up.