Just a quote.

When you are desperate to find someone to blame.

Then that person can do nothing to please you.

Because you have already made up your mind.



I read a post today that says time does not heal all wounds, it just replaces memories. that got me thinking and they are correct. it does just replace memories. That has made me even more sad than I already have been. There are things I don’t want to forget. The way people made me feel, the way I could not stop smiling when I was near them. But, there are the fights and the bad that I will gladly be rid of. Time does that… For the most part, it seems that when you are in the present all you can see is the bad and you don’t remember the good, but very shortly after the situation changes so do the memories. The bad ones start to fade and the good ones start to resurface. After even more time that is all that is left is the thoughts of the good and the longing for that feeling again. Let more time pass and the good memories start to fade away as well and so does that person, and that makes me sad as well. It makes me sad because someone that was at one time so important, now is but a mere passing thought that takes up almost none of your time. Than nothing, they become nothing to you anymore, not even a fleeting thought in the night. we just move on.

I didn’t miss the moon for the stars I just captured a comet for a wile on its way through, and from its perspective it did the same.

Gods speed little Comet, and beware of unstable orbits.

01001010 00100000 01111000 01101010 01101101 01101101 00100000 01100010 01101101 01111000 01100010 01111010 01110100 00100000 01101101 01110000 01110111 01100110 00100000 01111010 01110000 01110110 00100000 01101100 01101010 01110101 01110101 01111010 00101110

Well, I think I knew this was going to happen, but it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. We have Grown Apart and we have filled our lives with others to the point that there was no room for either one of us. I know you still love me and I still love you too. And people say that that should make it hurt less but it doesn’t. If anything it hurts worse. We have both tried so hard, and put so much effort into trying to make this work. But it didn’t. The way you looked at me today so sad, when you said you realized that more of this was your fault and you had thought. It broke my heart and it should have made me feel a little less hurt. But it didn’t. I really hope we can still be friends but I don’t know if we can. We don’t know what being friends is all we have ever done is be lovers.

All I want to do right now is self destruct. all the booze all the drugs, all the nameless people. anything to make the hurt be less, but it won’t

We agreed that we were both unhappy for a while, and that should have made all of this hurt less, but it didn’t. Because this hurt is worse than the unhappy that I had been feeling towards you. I know logically that this is the best thing for us, and that should make all of this hurt less, but it doesn’t.

I really hope everything works out in the end, and you are happy, and I am happy with how things turn out. I will just keep telling myself that this is the best thing for everyone, And I really hope it is. I hope the things aren’t awkward when we’re at the same events, and when you see me there it will look like everything is okay, but it isn’t.  I hope that this hurt will heal , and not into resentment  and hatred. There will be so many things that just won’t be the same. Things that we had planned to do together that I will still do. I will just do them alone.

I don’t want to lose you but this hurt I feel tells me I have.

Maybe one day in the future things will change. But for now there is just the hurt of losing you.

Good bye…

I will miss you…


The holidays can be rough as an adult. the whimsy is not there anymore. The magic is gone. but what I have seen this year is that you have to make your own magic. find your new chosen family. this year was still rough but not as bad as last year. and I hope that next will be better than this. all will be magic again!

It’s still there.

  1. I dreamt of you. For the first time in a long time. Maybe because you’ve been re introduced to my feelings again. I could feel what our love use to be like. Not the kind we shared when our skin was pressed together. But more when we would sip something on ice and I would dream of growing old together. The kind of love that controlled my thoughts entirely. Where words inside of whispers were strong enough to make waves. This kind of love was so strong that you could be anywhere and feel it. You could be laying on a floor together and no matter where that floor was located or how dirty it may be. You didn’t see the floor. Or the surrounding walls. All you could see was that person. That person that could make a dirty floor feel romantic, and that’s all I ever needed. It shook me awake and could still taste you on my lips. I felt some sort of sense of peace. But my mind still wonders.

Fucking Done With You

I just want to leave. Bye. Thanks for 1 good year and fuck you for the last 4.  No, I don’t want to waste my time, energy, gas, or miles on my car in order to work on your stupid list that results in absolutely nothing but a deficit to my sanity. You told me 4 weeks, and I did that because it’s not time yet to give you my notice. But now you increase that demand by 50%, which at this point is altogether unreasonable even were I intending to stick around till the company’s last breath.

I’m sick of the the bravado, the exaggeration you’ve expressed since day 1. Even after growing out of my naivete based on your empty promises, I soldiered through the bullshit with hope that you weren’t downright lying to me, that the company would show some fucking flexibility, that I might one day gain some income stability. Too bad I’ve known for a while now that all the potential awaiting me that you sold me on dried up years before I even started working for you.

You don’t know it yet, because I’ve been considerate and postponing my notice till after the most stressful time of the year. And what are you doing? By increasing some new and arbitrary stat of accountability (that I fucking satisfied already without complaint to you) I will be strained beyond what I’m capable of, let alone willing to perform. It’s taking all my resolve to do this the right way- waiting, providing ample time to replace me (however unlikely you’ll be able to con someone new).

I should be doing everything but what you’ve asked. I have legitimately better things to devote my attention to, things that will actually provide return on my energy investment, that would be fulfilling and actually take me further on the path to success in 2 months than I’ve gotten from your shithole in 5 years. I’ve made the decision to move on, but you are adding fuel to a smoldering bridge.

I. Am. So. Fucking. Done.

Too much

When is it too much?

When should you stop being there for others when it is a detriment to yourself?

I love these people tho, they were there for me when I needed it. So I will be there for them for as long as they need. I will sacrifice some of me to help them.

I hope all will be well. I hope all will be better, and I know it will be. It will just take time.


I sneak into your room, sometimes
and rest inside your sheets
I visit with the moon, sometimes
we watch you, when you sleep
I say “i’ll see you soon,” sometimes
but I always have to leave
I like to watch you bloom, sometimes
in the daylight left by eve
I have this sense of doom, sometimes
but your comfort’s all I need.


So what is this Love thing? I know that it is a bunch of chemicals bouncing around in my head. I know that it can be simulated by an injection or by drugs. I know all of this and yes I don’t care. I am so in love! but here is the hard part… what happens when the love changes? what is some one to do when the love that you had is not the love you have now? it is such a strange place to stand there is still the love but it is not the same. I hope that it will all be ok come tomorrow, but we will see.

By chance

Hello you!

You chance encounter on this chilly night. You Muse, you intelligent beautiful creature! where did you come from? The Great deep dished north where one star is not good enough so you have 4. Where did your amazing conversation of space and time and cyberpunk musings and consent and kink manifest itself from. You’re same Catholic guilt. You’re same East Coast bluntness. Your giggle and your ox-blood. What will tomorrow bring? What did yesterday hold? You have been right there and yet neither of us have seen each other… until now. I am glad to have shared the evening with you. I hope to share more!

Good night! And Sleep tight.